Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Ammortized Cost of New Age Martial Bed
how many times in a day you get a cold call with a voice on the other end trying to sell you a investemnt plan, credit card, Gym membership or even a dog shit for that matter and whats your natural response? i dont want it, call me later, allready have it etc and just when you are about to hangup the voice gives out a bait or value prop , sir 2 lacs ka insurance free, madame ke liyen tea set free ,bete ke liyen porn free ..... so basically a typical sales cycle not much worth to talk about right?, thats what i thought when the phone rang the other day after 5 mins of guess who? guess who? play, i realised its one of this girls i did undergrad with and thanks to my indescrition on a world wide web she got hold of my number. now isnt it allways a pleasure to accidently meet people you went to school with and revisit old memories and that what i atempted at when i asked her what she's been upto and here is the account of that conversation
Me: hey its been long time, i guess more then 10 years( while i am tryin to place a name to a
face)
she: yeah its been long so i thought let me find out what you are upto
( now this was starnge as even after couple of miniutes of animate conversation i was still unable to put a name to a face, boob or length of the skirt, cummon i was 18 then, with harmones in overdrive and these seemed to be quite ligit classifications )
Me: so whats up with you
she: well i am doing fine, workg for a MNC as HR and getting Married soon( now she laid this extra stress in "getting married" bit so i though maybe she called me to invite and want me to talk about her upcoming nuptal adventurs)
Me( poor soul unaware of what i was walking into): nice so when is it, who is the guy etc etc
she: well the guy is not fixed yet and so is the date!!!!!!
Me: ahhh, the way you said i tought its all planned.
Me: so the hunt is on i guess( i actualy thoght she must be going through the same ol shit of meeting guys, drssig up, parents wacking why cnt u just choose one, just like they say when a child cant made up his mind on which teady bear he wants to buy)
She: well there was this guy( oh kahani main twist)
me : so what happened?( now this was only my way of making small talk )
She : well i me this guy, my family introduced us and evertything was ok but then i found out that he was not a good guy, he was a scoundreal and cheat( by this moment i started feeling a lil uncomfortable)
me: why wht happened?
she: he lied about his salary
me:what??
she: yeah the ass lied about his salary, he told me a number and laer i found out that it was 20% less the what he has told me.
me: ok!!!!!!! so how did u found out?
she: i asked for his salary reipt and his appointment letter( did i mention that she was a HR,wanted to make sure that the candidate is furnishing all the right details, just wondering if the guy in question asked her for sample of her bra just to check if all good he was bargening for are real and not 20% inflated like his salary wth the help of a pushup)
me: wow u actually did that ?
she: yes yar dint wanted to take any chances, the ass was including is his incentenve scheme in his salary, raskal( god know what incentives he was expecting out of you)
by this time i was confused weather to laugh or to get turned off, since we were allready n the topic i thought let me find out what is on her checklist for prospective groom so i asked..
Me: so what kind of person are you looking for?
she: well i dont want that guy has to have a big car, big house and give me lods of jwellery BUT he should me well educated as i am a MBA myself (pause )and he should be well setteled .
the stress she put on "well setteled" made me ask her
me: so what do u mean by well setteled?
She: look yar i have a gr8 job, i make around 45K and the guy should atleast be making a minimum of 2lacs/month incentives and perks extra( wow she is aming for some top shelve cock)
me: so you make 45k.month and you will accept or reject a guy who makes a minimum of 2 lacs/month incentives and perks extra..( now she is not demanding at all i mean she doesnt want him to care for her or be nice, not everyday you get such non demanding girl a true catch!!)
She: so what yar i have what a guys want( just then i realised who this girl was , the double DD wonder and yup hard to challange her there she did had something which men want) plus i will give him everything....... garunteed ..(the hint was clear with the tone , lady in question was talking about carnal pleasures, god knows what tricks she had learned which she was peddling with such great confidence)
by this time i was quite turned off!!
she: so what r u doing now a days, heard u r doing preety good, so howmuch r u making.......
she : lets go out sometime , we will have fun.....( really sluty voice)
somehow this dint turned me on at all but mad me mad
me: why am i prosective candidate too (thinking if all prospective candidates get a sneak peek of future incentives)
She : you are not bad at all
me: but i guess its kinda bad deal for me
she: how???
u will be surpised but me who would barely pass his maths 101 in high school actually turns into a number crunching geek when it comes to deals and then i did the unthinkable i start calculating the cost of marital bed that this lady was so aggressively pitching, i know u all girls out there think i am a complete asshole. perv and complete MCP but still..
so here what happens next..
me: cos you ae very costly
she : what do u mean by that?
me: look what you are bringing to the table is month long humping @ 2lacs right, now since a month has 30 days out which you will not be available for 7 days for all natural rasons( now i know lot of men ar in that kind of shit but some how i find it gross so pls) we are left with 23 days out of these 10 days can be taken out when either u r tired or i am so that makes it 13 days out ofwhich the guy you will marry will most probabily will be travelling for 5 days for work( since you want to marry a cash cow) so tht makes it just 8 days, now lets assusme that for thos 8 days you will give your best services or what ever you are peddeling, that comes out to be Rs.25000/romp, which i feel is quite expensive i mean there are no discounts for long term contract plus economics is very clear the law of diminshing marginal utility wil kick in very soon the interest level will drop since the package only contains romp.
and
if i put this in a linear model( which is very simple as your only index for marriege is monthly salary vs ROMP satisfaction) there is a negitive co relation as with age the guys salary will keep on increasing but both your so called beuty and will to romp questiont will go down( not to forget those double D's yo are so proud off) ultimatly leadng to leser and lesser romp satisfaction. to put things in more prespective lets take a 3 yr period on scale
assumptions :
1)20% apparasal yr on year,
2) job change in 2 ears with 40% hike
3) no of days for romp constant at:8 days/month
year monthly salary cost /romp
Base year Rs.200,000 Rs.25000
1 year Rs.240000 Rs.30000
2 year Rs.288000 Rs.36000
year of job change with 40% hike
3 year Rs.403200 Rs. 50400
so you see the cost of romp is increasing with every year and this is only accounting calculation aif we add a satisfaction questiont to this calculation to derive the Real cost /romp it will be outrageously high so hence i guess its a very very Bad deal.. what do you guys thik?
She: silence
She : fuck off you asshole
teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sin Sutra
its not bout the apple
its not about gravity
its not about youits not about attitude
its not about love
its not bout pretence;;;;;;
its about instinct
its about want
its about greed
its about carnal desire
you want but you won't
cos
they told you its wrong
may b cos they r jeleous
they told you its wrong
cos they could not
they told you its wrong
cos they dont desire enough
they say its Sin!
so let b
b a Sinner
cos it takes to be one
and
baby Sin is in!
Dating for Dummies! why you are not getting any and how to fix it
Dear Dude, You went out tonight and had yet another dismal failure. The best thing that can be said about this date is that at least it was mercifully short, so thankfully she didn't have to put up with you for too long. It's not that you're a bad dude. You're funny, smart, caring, and (to my male heterosexual eye) not that bad looking of a dude.
The problem, my friend, is that you're just a fucking idiot when it comes to dating. I've had to watch this sad charade for over2 years now, and I've had to listen to your sob stories, this constant recounting of how you can't find a nice girl to get into a relationship with.
I understand; dating is hard. I'm no magician myself and don't claim to be the all-knowing expert of wooing the opposite sex. I've tried to help you, but you won't listen. Now I'm on blogger because I just can't stand it anymore. Dude, please pull your head out of your ass. Here are ways you constantly fuck up. Fix these, and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet that nice girl you're looking for.
1. BE ON TIME. You fucking asshole, you are always late. ALWAYS. This isn't a big deal when you're just meeting up with me or your friends for beers at the bar, but it's goddamn rude when it's a girl that you're trying to impress, especially on the first date. The message you are sending is that you were doing something more important than making sure that you were on time for your date. As you get to know her better, maybe this can become one of your cute little "quirks," but being late right off the bat makes you look like a fucking dickhead.
2. IRON YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT! You walk out of the house looking like you just pulled your shirt out of the bottom of the hamper. Come to think of it, maybe you did. But dude, you look like fucking hell leaving with all of those wrinkles. Whether you want to admit it or not, she's going to notice. If you show up looking like crap (and late on top of it, fucko), again you're sending the message that you just don't care that much about trying to make a good impression with her. take those fucking 2 phones and endless bills out of your top shirt pocket it makes me buy you a bra with one cup.Take a look at your date--unless you're going out with the neighborhood crack whore, have you noticed that she probably spent more than 5 minutes getting ready? If you want her to look good for you, it's only fair that you look good for her, you inconsiderate bastard.
3. SHAVE. Just fucking shave. Your 2-day growth doesn't make you look like a dashing rogue. It makes you look like a slovenly bastard. Also, I want you to try an experiment: go to a carpenter down the street. By some #2 sandpaper. Take it out of the box, and grasp it with the palm of your hand, positioning your arm at approximately a 45-degree angle. NOW RUB IT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. Doesn't feel too good, does it you stupid son of a bitch? That's exactly what your face feels like to her if, heaven forbid, you actually kiss her. Now, some girls like the feel of an unshaved face (Ash for eg: remember listening to her on air once that kissing a man without mustaches is like having boiled egg without salt and we all know she is getting all the salt she wants ) Shit, some girls like to be choked while you fuck them in the ass and pretend that she's an underage ballerina and you're Superman. But that doesn't mean you should show up to your first couple of dates with a gag ball, an industrial-size tube of K-Y, and a goddamn cape. Play the percentages: shave until she tells you otherwise. Asshole.
4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION. You always complain about uncomfortable silences. Well, dickhead, what is it that you're talking about that leads to silence? You're doing one of two thing:
(1) Talking about stuff that's boring as hell to most people, that could lead to potential conflicts, or that makes her feel uneasy (topics in this category include: work, politics, sports, religion and sex). If you get into a relationship, you might have long discussions about any of these topics. That's cool, that's healthy. But whipping that stuff out on the first date is most likely going to be a conversation killer; or,
(2) You're talking about yourself. You tend to do that a lot. Shut the fuck up. It's about her, not you. Keep the conversation going by asking her follow-up questions and offering selective tidbits about yourself. That way, she feels like not only are you interested in her, but also she's learning about you. It doesn't matter what questions you ask her, just keep her talking. AND FUCKING LISTEN. Don't go on auto-pilot--she'll pick up on the fact that you're not really listening to her right away.
5. SHOW SOME CHIVALRY. Open doors. Offer to pay for the bill (but don't force it--she might feel more comfortable splitting the bill with you, because then she won't feel like you're "expecting something" as a reward). Be nice to the waitress. Don't look at ANY OTHER WOMEN, no matter how hot they are. As soon as you check out some other girl's ass, you're done. Save that shit for when we're out at the bar getting drunk. Until then, focus on your date. Flatter her. This is something we don't do well in our culture, but find a way to compliment her without coming off like an asshole. Find something you genuinely like about her (her outfit, necklace, shoes, whatever) and tell her. Stay away from the following areas, though: Boobs, lips, legs, ass, and just bascially her body in general. Don't come off as a perv.
6. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Dude, she's not going to fuck you on the first date. It's just not going to happen...and the girl who DOES fuck you on the first date isn't a girl you want to get into a relationship with becaus she obviusly has realy bad eyesight and great tollerance for that stink that you wear cos you are usually too cheap for a decemt deo . If she's fucking you on the first date, how many other guys do you think she's sleeping with? (thats what your losser friends told you) You're not that good looking, charming, or rich. YOUR ENTIRE GOAL FOR THE FIRST DATE IS TO GET A SECOND DATE. That is the only way you should measure success.
If you get a kiss after the first date, that's great...but the lack of a kiss doesn't mean shit. And guess what? Your entire goal for the second date is to get the third date. It's ok to ratchet up the physical flirting as the number of your dates increases, but as soon as she feels you trying to sniff out her cooter, you're done unless she already wants to swallow your Special Swimmers. That's all I've got for right now. I hope you read this. I hope you meet a girl who you can have a good relationship with. I also hope you fucking quit whining about it to.
Oh, and please dont flirt with the new HR hottie or i will be forced to write “ how not to fuck up at work'“